workplace bully Archives

When we were very small, identifying the bully on the playground was easy. They were the ones the other kids were running away from. As we entered junior high and into high school, it was a bit more challenging but no less impossible. They were the Mean Girls (or boys) who left the crumbled self-esteem of their classmates in their wake as they walked the school halls. As adults, workplace bullies are just as prevalent. In the case of working for a bully boss, it is hard to identify easily, as you interview with someone for maybe an hour or two, and accept the job thinking they seemed nice, committed, and professional. You start the job with high hopes, and slowly realize that the Pollyanna that you interviewed with is, in fact, Attila the Hun.

According to the Workplace Bulling Institute, “bullying is a systematic campaign of interpersonal destruction that jeopardizes your health, your career, the job you once loved. Bullying is a non-physical, non-homicidal form of violence and, because it is violence and abusive, emotional harm frequently results. You may not be the first person to have noticed that you were bullied.” Their 2014 study on bullying found that:

27% have current or past direct experience with abusive conduct at work
72% of the American public are aware of workplace bullying
Bosses are still the majority of bullies
72% of employers deny, discount, encourage, rationalize, or defend it

It has happened to me twice, and I would have thought that I was not a bully’s mark. While a schoolyard bully will target those they perceive to be weak, I am a leader, social, and competent. I am outspoken, and not afraid to stand my ground. It turns out that my profile, according to the Workplace Bulling Institute, is exactly what an adult bully targets, because in reality they are threatened, insecure, and jealous.

Bully Boss A was maniacal, verbally abusive, and would ask for one thing and then scream at me when I delivered the results, insisting she had asked for something else. If I took vacation, she would assign huge projects two days prior, telling me that if I did not complete the work, I was not allowed to leave. It was like working inside an active volcano. At least I did not take it personally, as she was public in her bullying, did it to most of us, and her entire senior management team left within four months of each other when we collectively decided that the situation was intolerable.

Bully Boss B operated in a subtler but no less sinister manner, conducting her psychological warfare in one-on-one meetings in private conference rooms or scathing emails. While I had great success in the role, she would constantly question my process, telling me it was not how she would do it. When I would ask for suggestions, she would wrinkle her nose, sneer at me, and tell me that I was too stupid to figure it out, yet in front of the rest of the team would say that I was doing a fantastic job and that they could learn a lot from me. Two days after one of my best friends died unexpectedly, Bully Boss #2 informed me that my mourning had better not interfere with my work (truly, she should be afraid of the bad karma from that comment alone). Veteran employees told me that she always had a target, to be patient, and that eventually it would fizzle out. When I stood up for myself in our private meetings and pushed back, she would beat a hasty retreat (as bullies do when confronted), saying that I was good at my job, she loved the quality of my work, and I needed to stop being so sensitive, but soon it would start up again, as cycles of abuse do.

Eventually, a dear friend sat me down and encouraged me to resign, with the advice that life is too short and I had too much to offer. It was affecting my relationships, my health, and my happiness. I was weepy, twitchy, and in a constant state of panic. To escape quickly, I found two consulting roles to keep me engaged while figuring out my next move. Sadly, during my notice period, I saw that she had moved on from me and found another target, the newest person on the team. Bullies certainly have patterns.

The advice to leave was some of the best I have ever received, because I was never going to change her, and the only way to protect my own sanity was to remove myself from that toxic situation. If you are in a situation with a Bully Boss, get out as soon as possible. You did nothing to cause it and do not deserve this pain. Trust me, there are plenty of well-adjusted, wonderful bosses out there who will value you and your contributions.

Cindy Joyce is the CEO of Pillar Search & HR Consulting. Pillar provides national executive search services for exceptional non-profits and foundations and socially responsible for-profit firms desiring top talent who want an occupassion, not just an occupation. In addition, Pillar offers human resources consulting services including leadership coaching, human resources audits, handbooks, assessing organizational design, training, team building, and employee communications. A woman-owned business, Pillar is based in Boston, MA, and works on both the local and national level. For more information, please visit www.pillarsearch.com or email Cindy at cindy@pillarsearch.com.

Me Too, Too Many Times

October 16, 2017 No Comments

Me Too. Two simple words that, if you are on Facebook or Twitter, you most likely are seeing pop up as the status update on many women’s and men’s pages.

Actress Alyssa Milano, in a Twitter post on October 14, shared the idea that anyone who has been sexually harassed or assaulted write the two words – Me Too – with the rationale that the sheer number of us who would do this would show the world just how widespread this issue really is. In two days, hundreds of thousands of us have posted it, and some have shared stories, using the hashtag #myharveyweinstein, to show that this abuse is not limited to Hollywood, industry, or level in one’s career.

The revelations about Harvey Weinstein’s deplorable behavior have sparked a movement. Perhaps we as a culture are FINALLY ready to discuss something that previously we did not share. Like, really did not share. Last week, amid the shocking stories coming out about Weinstein, my best friends and I were talking and admitted that we had been targeted in the workplace. Keep in mind these are women that have been in my life for nearly twenty years. We know everything about each other…every bit of each other’s history, what our ATM passwords are, where to find each other’s wills should the worst happen. THIS is the one topic we never really delved into, which saddens me. Why do we share everything, even the scariest, darkest corners of our psyche with each other, but feel too ashamed to discuss something that we did nothing to cause?

When it happens, you feel completely scared, humiliated, isolated, and guilty. You figure it must have been something you did. You never assume that this is just a hideous human being with predatory behavior. You hide it from everyone, even your very best friends. ,

It is time to rip off the bandage that we have all been using to covering up this shame and start telling our stories. In doing so, we take back the power that Weinstein and monsters like him have had over us. In that vein, here are some of my #MyHarveyWeinstein moments:

A senior HR professional at the firm my father was one of the top people at. I was 21, in my first job out of college. Dad’s office was two buildings away, so I would sometimes stop by to say hello to he and his Executive Assistant, who is like family to us. On this particular day, Dad was in a meeting, so I was at her cube. I leaned over the cube wall to look at something on her computer, and the guy stopped by to talk to us. As he stood next to me, he began to fondle my bottom. I was apparently green with disgust, because she brought me in to Dad’s office, where I told her what happened. He was fired within hours.
A Managing Director at an investment firm. He moved to Boston from the West Coast for the position. His wife and children had not yet made the move east, and he asked me to spend a weekend with him because “my [expletive] is lonely and wants to spend time with you”. I reported this to my boss. She told me that it was probably because he was from another country and had different views of how women should be treated and to drop it. Two weeks later, a highly respected female Portfolio Manager, who had been at the firm for several years, resigned. In her exit interview, she told me that he was the reason she was leaving. He had made comments like “You’re too old to [expletive] so you are of no use to me” and “old women should just leave the office. I want young and hot”. When I met with him to express concern over these comments, he became incensed and told me that he was going to ruin both her career and mine, and that I should have [expletive] him when I had the chance. When I filed an official complaint with Human Resources at our parent company, I was told that, as a Human Resources professional, I am expected to deal with challenging people and that if I could not handle comments like this I should leave. I did.
The CFO at a a financial services firm. Over the course of my tenure, he told me that, as a woman, I should be careful about not talking back to him. He told me that I was too pretty to have anything of substance to say, that if I was not careful, he would find a way to get me fired because he was sick and tired of women like me questioning him, and that I needed to put on some weight because men like curvier women. Keep in mind I was his peer, and the only woman on the executive management team.
The Founder/CEO of a banking client. His receptionist resigned, so I started looking for a qualified replacement. When I brought in four incredibly competent and qualified candidates, he dismissed them all. When I asked for feedback, he informed that “Unless I want to [expletive] them as much as I want to [expletive] you, they are not the right candidate. And find me one with [expletive] as good as yours.”
The Head of Inside Sales with a company I did consulting work for. I had just returned from an amazing island vacation. He came by my office to catch up, and asked how the vacation was. When I shared that we had a great time, he said that next time he should take me on vacation because “you have no idea the naughty things I want to do to you on a beach.”

Harassers, abusers, and [expletive] grabbers take note: We will no longer remain silent when you spew your vile words, will not cover up your abuse, and will not live in secrecy one minute longer. Keep it up and “Me Too” and use of #MyHarveyWeinstein may eventually include your names and addresses.

In the words of Alyssa Milano, “This is not an uncommon occurrence. This is a sick culture. Men like Harvey Weinstein are around every corner. Men who undermine women and their strength, ability, and intelligence exist everywhere.” By sharing our experiences, maybe we can prevent the next generation from having to endure the Weinstein’s of the world.

With personalized service and proven results, Pillar Search & HR Consulting provides executive search and human resources consulting services for exceptional non-profits and socially responsible for-profit firms. A woman-owned business, Pillar is based in Boston, MA, and works on the national level. To learn more about how Pillar can assist with your HR and hiring needs, please contact Cindy Joyce, CEO, at cindy@pillarsearch.com.

Beware the Bully Boss

Me Too, Too Many Times